by Anita Cleopatra Ethan
 |
| Anita Cleopatra Ethan |
May be you have been in many serious relationship, but
for some unknown reason, you realize that you have never been able to close the
main deal. You have shifted blames, asked yourself questions, pleaded and even
cried but to no avail, now you have concluded that the world we live in is a
crazy mixed up world especially as it concerns relationships.
There
are expectations that we all have when starting a new relationship. Most of
these expectations are selfish, unknowingly to us. At first you try to live
your dating life like in the movies where everything is rosy almost all the
time. But as time passes by and the reality of dating hit you, you realize that
you are not getting what you thought you would be getting from the
relationship. At this point, you start to analyze things from different angles,
especially negatively. You start to think that your spouse is changing in
character, or the love you once had is diminishing. But surprisingly to your
hearing I have discovered that you and your spouse failed to follow the laws of
relationship.
In
other words, there are laws of dating, just as there are laws of nature, laws
of gravity and laws of science. I realized that if you and your spouse had kept
to this laws/commandment, your relationship would’ve lasted for eternity.
Some
things just don’t change, in order for you to get the best outcome; they’ll
have to remain the same.
You
will quite agree with me that there is something about love and attraction that
is difficult to explain, and also that we cannot reduce the success of a
relationship to mere logic. But, there is a disturbing relationship trend among
youths in our society. They leave everything to fate, instead of realizing that
the success of anything doesn’t come easy.
To
begin with, if you invest all your energy and especially all your self-esteem
into a relationship, you wouldn’t have a life. For you to have a successful
relationship, you must “get a life”. Do not ever put yourself in a position
whereby your entire self-worth is wrapped up in someone else. When you do this,
you have put your career, interest, friends and even your relationship with God
on hold. This person becomes your life, so without your sweet heart you’ll have
no life.
When
you have a life, you wouldn’t need a date or relationship to make you feel good
about yourself. People with life bring so much energy and positivism to their
relationship, and do not depend on their spouse for all their emotional needs.
When you don’t have a life, you’ll drain your dating partner and slowly
frustrate him/her.
Get
grounded in something, become goal oriented, and start giving more love than
demanding. Also, it is imperative to know that we should use our brains.
Infatuation is not love, what account would you give, when it’s almost too late
and you realize that you’re in a relationship driven by raw emotions. The key
to avoiding this is to using your head in the matters of the heart. I know that
in our today society, we are confused about love. But let’s face it, romantic
love has little or nothing in fact to do with real love.
Romantic
love is that initial attraction, excitement, allure, mystery, passion and
obsession. But real love on the other hand is about two people who are
enduring, caring about each other’s welfare and providing a scene of security.
Romantic love is an official sponsor of madness and thus cannot bear the weight
of life’s stresses.
Not to
get it wrong, I love and think romance is normal and can be healthy to energy
relationship. As a matter of fact, that puppy love stage is actually sweet. But
we should not allow it to dominate or be the foundation of the relationship, in
using your brain, you must balance your head and your heart, restore in from
physical intimacy (do not answer to your hormones, analyze your past
relationships, evaluate issues every time they occur).
Another
truth also to take note of is that of the illusion of “opposite attracts”. It
is true that opposites do attract but also true that because they are not the
same, they can never team up to withstand life’s difficulties. Most healthy
relationships are the ones in which the partners have lots of a similarities.
It is very wrong for you to be drawn to an emotionally sick and dying person
with the excuse that you have enough love for the both of you. It is almost
always wrong for you to give all yourself to someone who does have even felt
little of the feelings that you have for them. In this case you began to play
the mother Theresa role .Whereby it becomes your duty to nurse the emotionally
sick person back to life. These emotionally sick persons could be drug addicts,
alcoholics or sex addicts. They are not answerable to God, have no love for
their partners. Their hearts lies with the addiction. You are supposed to be a
partner in a relationship not a missionary, surrogate parent, nurse, nor a
shrink. So move on.
Love is
not running, busy or tired. It does not have an expiry date, neither is it
getting old and weary; so slow down! What is it that compels people to rush
things? Take it slow and get to know each other.
You do
not get to know a person within a short period of time. You need time to get
along. Time to know likes and dislikes interests, short-term and long term
goals.
With
marriages crashing up all over the place, wouldn’t you want to reduce the risk
of yours ending up same? It is very necessary then that you know your partner
very well. If you think you can know, a person’s true colors in three to six
month then you’re either psychic or psycho. People pretend, but if you give it
enough time, you will know exactly who a person is. Not taking things slow
means you are simply applying the formula for shorter pleasure and long term
pain. When you take time to know your spouse, it helps the both of you define
your boundaries. Defining your boundaries means stating clearly your
preferences, likes, dislikes, “do’s and don’ts”, what you can tolerate and what
you can’t. You do this in order not to let the other person run over you, and
also not to keep hurting each other.
Setting your boundaries and taking it slow also works.
If you know your spouse well enough, you’ll also know what upsets him or her.
Thus, you’ll know at what point to draw the line.
There
are so many ways in which you think your partner’s crossing his boundaries. One
of which is ensuring that your yes is yes and your no is no, a solid and rigid
well defined point of view of yours in a given issue will help your partner
understand that, he/she has reached the line. Setting boundaries might seem as
if you are shutting your partner up, but it is not so. If you maturely
communicate it to your partner, there will be no room for misunderstanding to
arise. In setting your boundaries, you must make it clear that you are not
building a wall to isolate or keep your spouse out, you are only setting
perimeters for your own safety. Also note that setting boundaries means you
have to take responsibility for yourself, your thoughts, your emotions and your
actions. Your spouse might make it appear that he/she is responsible for you.
It’s a lie, with time he/she will become frustrated and drained. He or she will
begin to see your needs as a burden. It is necessary to take responsibility of
yourself without ignoring your partners feeling.
I
oppose to the saying that boundaries are controlling and manipulative. They are
ferrate lines that liberate you from being controlled and manipulated by your
spouse. They are a means through which your choices can be respected. Love doesn't just happen, it is a personal decision we make subconsciously, if you
have chosen to love someone and you want to enjoy that love in return, you must
choose also to think and act logically.
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